Love Rewards The Brave Read online

  Love Rewards the Brave

  Anya Monroe

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, either living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  Copyright © 2015 Anya Monroe All rights reserved.

  ISBN:1511751975 ISBN-13: 978-1511751971

  For the ones

  from hard

  places

  for the ones

  who are still

  there

  for the ones

  who

  believe

  in

  change

  for the ones

  willing to

  fight

  for the ones

  who are

  lost

  for the ones

  waiting to be

  found.

  1.

  She keeps bringing this story up.

  Every week I come here

  it’s always the same.

  Wanting the story

  wanting my take

  what’s she gonna do if I say

  yes?

  If I say

  no?

  I don’t answer at all.

  There’s no way

  to explain that I wasn’t

  able to save us.

  I tried.

  But trying got us nothing but

  a social worker, a foster mom

  a CPS report a mile long.

  I’ve kept my mouth shut for so long

  not knowing it would cost me us

  a lifetime of innocence

  of providence

  there’s no rainbow coming through my window.

  Just one little girl tryin' to help

  one little boy and at the end of the day

  it don't matter

  we're both of us

  all of us

  destroyed.

  It started so long ago

  an alter ego.

  When I was little it didn't seem so bad.

  Just help him stay

  clean

  warm

  dry.

  Stay out of the way of the tornado.

  Don't make him mad

  by making her mad.

  Keep 'em happy

  keep your head down

  way down to the ground

  and don't look up.

  Just stay still.

  Still frame life is what I've been livin'

  eight years since the baby brother watchin'

  TV, me keepin' him alive.

  Now he's all grown, too, but he talks

  talks a lot.

  A lot more than me.

  I'd whisper quiet in the dark

  shush now

  lullaby

  goodnight.

  But he won’t stay still

  not when the boogieman comes out to play.

  He says Louisa Stand Up.

  He says Louisa Fight Back.

  But I was always the

  good girl

  scared girl

  scarred girl.

  "Louisa, I need your help with these questions. You’ve been quiet for a really long time, do you realize that? Can you tell me about the first time you tried to protect Benji?" asks Terry.

  How do you tell someone

  anyone

  the only one

  the reason?

  The truth isn't so black and white.

  It’s only you and me in this room

  and when it comes down to it

  the shame of it

  is too scary

  too real

  to admit.

  "Okay, Louisa, I hope next week you’ll be ready to talk a bit because I want to help you out of this place you’re in right now, okay?

  2.

  I go down the hall

  to the waiting room and find Ms. Francine

  sitting in the threadbare chair

  knitting a scarf

  to wrap tight around my neck.

  She'd said to me,

  "Louisa what’s you favorite color, for the yarn?"

  "Gray."

  Gray like the sky

  like the birds of a feather waiting to take flight

  like the wings of a plane high in the night sky.

  Gray is everything but black and white.

  So Ms. Francine’s been waiting here for me

  knitting my scarf while I

  sit with Terry.

  The lady paid each week to ask me questions

  and tell me stories

  and make me feel

  less like

  I

  Am

  Alone.

  Terry’s such a dumbass.

  Thinks I’m going to be her very best friend

  like somehow me telling her

  the bad

  will make it all good?

  It’s been two years already

  why would I change now?

  "Where's Benji? I thought he was getting dropped off here?" I ask.

  "The house called and cancelled, he's had a bad day. I'm sorry, Louisa."

  Always sorry

  tryin' to make things right

  nice and tight

  Ms. Francine never saw a bad day in her whole life.

  "It's cool, I mean, I didn't really care, you know how Benji gets when he comes over."

  Like he wants to fight.

  Before he comes he calls and says I miss you, sis.

  I want things back like they were, sis.

  Before the

  mis-takes

  mis-steps

  mis-deeds.

  Back in the day

  when we'd lay

  in the dark

  sharing our heart of hearts.

  But now when he comes over

  Ms. Francine makes us something

  good to eat.

  Like banana bread or cherry pie.

  He throws the plate

  and yells at her

  at me

  runs away

  far away

  in the corner of the room.

  He’s so close but goes so far away

  deep inside.

  "I know, Louisa. We both know he has a lot of stuff to work through. Still, I know how much seeing him means to you."

  We walk out the doors.

  My home away from home:

  Child Services Office.

  Missing Benji turns my heart stone.

  3.

  I've been living with Ms. Francine for almost

  a year now.

  Before that Benji and I were in a different

  foster home,

  together.

  It got to be too hard

  to take care of us him.

  So they split us up

  me with Ms. Francine

  him in a facil

  it

  y.

  A facility is a nice way of saying

  'House for Effed Up Kids'.

  Benji's twelve, still such a little boy.

  A little boy who needs his family.

  Needs me.

  I go straight to my room when we get home.

  I like Ms. Francine, she never yells

  when I stay in my room for hours

  or gets mad about the clothes I wear

  or cares when I dye my hair.

  It's not that she doesn't care

  it's like she gets it.

  Right now my hair is light with some purple streaks

  bottom half of my head is shaved

  and I got Jess to give me a nose ring.

  My old foster mom –– she would have flipped out

&nbs
p; yelling all crazy and stuff

  but Ms. Francine just kinda smiled and said, “It might look better with a purple stud.”

  4.

  Jess thinks Ms. Francine must be

  a witch or

  a hippie or

  a communist.

  She’s always having friends over for no reason.

  They make weird food

  like gluten-free egg rolls with seaweed

  and talk about the War on Terror and

  she has this book on the coffee table called

  Palm Reading For Dummies.

  I know Ms. Francine is just an

  Organic Liberal Librarian

  who’s into politics,

  but Jess thinks there has got to be something more to it.

  Like, why is she a foster mom anyway?

  5.

  In my room I pull out my phone.

  Louisa: I'm bored. Benji cancelled. Come over.

  Jess: My mom says I have 2b here 4 dinner 2nite.

  Lousia: F that.

  Jess: Can U come here?

  Louisa: K. I'll ask Ms. F

  I open my door, leaning over the banister, yelling, "Ms. Francine, can you drive me to Jess's for dinner?"

  No answer.

  Ms. Francine has a few rules

  one of them being talk in a quiet voice.

  Maybe because she works at a library.

  I walk downstairs to the living room.

  Ms. Francine has her legs up

  reading glasses on

  knitting while watching the evening news.

  "Hey, can you drive me to Jess's? Her mom said I can have dinner there."

  "Not tonight, Louisa, I made us a nice dinner thinking Benji would be here. How about tomorrow?"

  I hate that.

  Her

  saying no.

  Not thinking about what I want need.

  My brother has gone all crazy on me

  I just want to see

  a friend.

  Someone who will make it all right

  bright

  make me feel less alone tonight.

  "Whatever. I didn't want to go anyway."

  I walk up to my room, put on my headphones,

  and lay on my bed until

  morning.

  6.

  My mind always goes back to the same

  place when I’m alone.

  Always back to a little girl

  meeting her monster.

  I go down the hall

  the long dark hall

  when I hear his call.

  See, he’s done with her

  and now he wants me.

  Thinking if he gets what he wants

  maybe he will somehow be

  set free.

  But it doesn't work that way.

  You get what you pay for.

  I paid nothing

  yet the price is as high as my life

  so I close my eyes knowing it’s always better me

  than Benji.

  He’s still so small

  won't make the fall.

  This has been my life for all of my days.

  So I stand up tall

  tall as I can in my nine-year-old frame

  knowing that it won't last that long

  won’t hurt so bad

  that it’s always the same.

  The same belt being pulled tight against my legs

  my back feeling the brunt of his rage.

  If there was a cage

  I'd crawl so far inside

  deep inside and hang up high.

  Close the door swallow the key

  only then would I feel free.

  Free from him and the man he is.

  Daddy is not a word in our little family vocabulary.

  More like gravedigger

  heartbreaker

  beat me up and throw me down

  the only way he treats me.

  I figure

  the only way he knows how.

  So I walk down that hall

  like I do so many nights

  when her cries have stopped,

  but his have not

  and I don't want the bed bugs to bite.

  Bite him,

  my little Benji Boy.

  He’s who will get the blow if I don't go.

  I’ll always go

  for him.

  I would do anything

  travel to the ends of the earth

  the only family I know

  one little boy and

  one desperate girl

  to keep the only thing I’ve ever known together

  so it’s all chaos and cold and empty,

  but it’s also my

  family.

  Down the hall I go

  to the room that holds the night crawler

  of a father

  who finds what he wants in the dark

  and the smell of his breath tells me it's time.

  So I close my eyes tighter than I know how

  and go to the place only I travel to.

  A place that’s safe for me.

  It’s full of princessdresses

  fairywings

  it’s princeinshiningarmordreams.

  It’s my nine-year-old wishcometrue

  escape from the truth

  from the sucker punch

  bombshell

  blast in the face

  a broken wrist on the bloodstained ground

  that keeps me home for days.

  It’s the meadow

  brightwhite

  blueskyplace

  I go

  when everything else becomes gray.

  7.

  The next morning in the

  kitchen, I head back to reality.

  "Louisa, when you do that, stay in your room and refuse to come out, the only person you’re hurting is yourself.”

  I keep my eyes straight ahead

  keep them frozen in time and space.

  Ms. Francine thinks she has

  a handle on guilt trip

  thinks she’ll get to me because of it.

  I don't want none of it.

  "You can't shut the world out and then think things will go the way you want. That's not how the world works."

  So then how does the world work, Ms. Francine?

  Seems to me every goddamned day

  of my life was ruled that way.

  Treat me bad

  break me down

  then have me get up

  stand up

  keep me bound

  to you.

  "If this is going to go well, between you and me, there needs to be more respect. Are you even listening to me?”

  8.

  What me?

  Not good enough

  always messing it up enough?

  What am I supposed to do here?

  Laugh?

  Cry?

  Tell Ms. Francine it will all be A-OK?

  "Look, all I’m saying, Louisa, is that when someone makes you a meal, it’s important to acknowledge that. When someone does something nice for you, you should thank them."

  She’s up close now

  wanting me to say something.

  I’m doing my best to hold my breath

  knowing that’s death

  for people like Ms. Francine

  who need to hear words to make their world make sense.

  "Okay, Ms. Francine,” I say.

  Smile big and pretty now.

  Why can't I do the right thing now?

  Say things that are true.

  Tell Ms. Francine it's not you.

  It never is.

  It's about me

  the girl without anything.

  And now you tell me

  again

  how the things I do

  are never right

  and I know you aren't saying that,

  but I swear when your lips move

  all I think

  is that once again


  I’ve not measured up for

  someone.

  "Louisa, I just wish you’d say something about why you’re acting this way. It feels like you’re being mean on purpose and I’ll just chalk it up to missing Benji. But next time…there really shouldn't be a next time."

  Her hands sit on heavyset hips,

  black tunic over her black pants.

  Black on black.

  Breathe in deep

  closes her eyes, thinks.

  "You need to go or you’ll be late."

  9.

  So I run on the bus

  knowing I don't want to cry.

  I don't want to be that girl.

  You know?

  The one who cares.

  Jess is waiting for me.

  Pats the seat.

  Jess is all-tough

  just like me

  we’re one in the same.

  Gauges in her ears

  head shaved bare

  ink on her arm.

  How she pulled off getting it at sixteen is beyond me.

  An older boyfriend she said, at her cousin’s house.

  She wanted to be a rock star then so

  he said she needed to prove it.

  Next thing she knew

  she had a giant tattoo.

  A star and a moon.

  Far in the distance

  like another galaxy.

  "Sometimes I wish I could leave this place."

  She said when I asked her why outer space.

  We both knew we wished

  we.could.go.away.

  Her –– away from high school hell

  Me –– away from all the things I

  lived through

  but promised not to tell.

  10.

  I get off the bus with my best friend forever.

  My only friend in forever.

  Why is it that a friend showed up when everyone else left?

  I thought it was the other way around.

  Friends will go, but family is forever?

  It's all bullshit.

  Her mom made a good dinner, I missed out, she says.

  Ms. F was being a be-otch I say